[ it's true that ronan rarely sleeps for nightmares. not just because he's afraid of them, because they used to try to kill him, but because he's afraid of bringing them back and endangering his friends. his dreams haven't been quite as dangerous since he came to terms with some things about himself. even so, he hasn't quite been able to break his insomnious habit or shake the fear of what awaits him on the other side.
so it's a wonder he was able to sleep at all, let alone sleep through his phone going off with multiple texts from gansey. at the very least, adam untangling their hands and getting out of bed should've disturbed him, but either adam has a promising future as a spy or cat burglar, or ronan was just that far gone. at some point between adam leaving and returning to bed, ronan must have become subconsciously aware of his absence because he shifts in his sleep, his fingers curling around nothing. but it's not until adam takes his hand again that he really wakes.
before he even opens his eyes, he inhales, his chest and shoulders rising, and as he lets it out again, his fingers tighten around adam's. that seems to trigger something, because he goes from foggy to fully conscious faster than the bmw goes zero to sixty. the pieces of last night—that morning—slam into place, and he realizes that the moment he'd been dreading up until he fell asleep has arrived. all he did was blink.
but there's a few pieces he's not sure where to put, like adam sitting on the edge of the bed instead of where he fell asleep. that means he woke up before ronan, that he left and came back, and he's still holding ronan's hand? in all the scenarios ronan imagined, there wasn't one that allowed for this possibility.
he tries to swallow, but his heart is in his throat. ]
Parrish. [ his voice is rough with disuse, and his tongue feels clumsy, too big for his mouth. he'd say it's too early for this, but based on the position of the shadows that can't be true. when he looks at adam, all the questions he's too afraid to voice are in his eyes: what are you doing?what are we doing? he pushes himself onto his elbow and hangs his head. ] ...shit.
[ adam had hoped that ronan wouldn't wake up for a while longer, so that he could work through his thoughts without having to talk about them. of course that means that he wakes up almost as soon as adam's taken his hand again. rather than let go of his hand, as was adam's first instinct, he deliberately curls his fingers around ronan's, holding his hand tighter. his heart is pounding and he can hear the blood rushing in his ears, but over all of that he can hear ronan.
it's not that anything clicks into place, exactly -- he's still not sure what he feels, or how much, or anything like that. there's no magical moment where he realizes that he's in love with ronan and that realization fixes both of them and they get a happily ever after. adam does realize, though, that there's only one way to figure out all of this for sure. with that thought in mind, it makes perfect sense to lean forward, slowly, until his lips land on ronan's. it's a clumsy sort of kiss, conscious as he is of the fact that he hasn't brushed his teeth yet, or kissed anyone before, but it's not meant to be sexy or exciting. it's a question, more than anything, one that he's not sure ronan will have the answer to. ]
[ his first thought is: i'm dreaming. it's the only thing that makes sense. that he's still asleep and dreaming makes more sense than him being awake and having adam kiss him. for a moment, he can't move, can't even breathe (which is probably for the better, since his breath must be awful). but, several heartbeats later, he exhales through his nose and closes his eyes. whether he's dreaming or not, the fact remains that adam is kissing him, and he might as well enjoy it before reality catches up with him.
he holds adam's hand a little tighter and presses back against adam's lips. as far as first kisses go, it's a pretty nice one. but he always thought kissing adam would be nice, when he let himself think about it.
but, after a moment, his brain comes back online and doubt comes creeping up on him. his heart is beating so hard he almost can't hear himself think. it would be better if he couldn't hear himself think, because then he probably wouldn't be pulling back, wouldn't be frowning with a pained look in his eyes, as if anticipating the heartbreak he's about to experience. he leans away far enough to be able to look at adam without going cross-eyed. ]
You're not still high, are you?
[ because, aside from this being a dream, or worse, just adam being a dream, that's the next most plausible explanation in ronan's mind for what's happening. ]
[ the kiss is nice while it lasts, though it doesn't last long. just as adam's moving to angle his head a bit, slot their lips together more neatly, ronan pulls away, and the look on his face makes adam's stomach drop. he did something wrong, obviously. maybe ronan doesn't like him the way he thought he did? but he'd been sure -- he'd been certain -- ronan kissed him back, didn't he? there's a moment where all adam can do is quietly panic, the same as in the morning when he thought about missing school. when ronan actually speaks, he goes through a range of emotions, which, being that he's still tired, must show on his face. there's relief that the kiss wasn't the problem, then confusion at the question, then some not inconsiderable indignance, and then, lastly, a sort of sheepish acceptance. yes, he did kind of deserve this reaction, seeing as how just that morning he was coming down off of dream-made adderall and extremely fucked up. still, the question does sting a bit. ]
No, I'm not high. It's been hours, I'm totally sober. I just wanted --
[ adam cuts himself off, frowning down at the mattress as he thinks through his next words. he doesn't want to come off as just using ronan as an experiment -- granted, he sort of was, but not in a mean way. he figured he knew the answer to the question already or why would he be asking it, he just... needed confirmation. but even with as little knowledge as he has of the way gay people work, he knows it's not really nice to tell someone "i needed to figure something out so i kissed you". no one likes being used like that.
eventually, he starts up again, though still avoiding ronan's eyes. ]
I wanted to see if what I thought I felt was actually what I felt.
[ he winces a little at how ridiculous that sounds, but doesn't clarify. maybe ronan will just get it and they can move on from this whole conversation. ]
[ despite adam's claim of being sober, ronan can't bring himself to relax. he still feels like he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. before today, he'd spent so long convincing himself adam didn't feel the same way, that he probably didn't even swing that way, it's just easier to come up with reasons why that's still true than to accept the opposite.
but, fuck if that kiss didn't spark a tiny flame of hope inside him. he's hardly breathing as he waits for adam to find his words. he finishes the sentence, "i just wanted—", in his own head half a dozen different ways, not all of them good. that this is all just some kind of experiment for adam does occur to him, and even if it's not in a mean way, it'll hurt just as much. if that's the case, ronan will be pissed, but mostly he'll be crushed, which he'll disguise as more anger.
the answer he finally gets is a little too close to that scenario for ronan's comfort. he shifts, extricating his hand from adam's, because he doesn't think he'd be able to stand that point of contact while being let down. a chill sweeps across his palm once it's separated from adam's. ]
What did you think you felt? [ his voice is tense, tightly moderated to hide whatever emotions he might otherwise expose. ]
[ fuck. he screwed up. adam's hand reaches back for ronan's before he can stop himself, but once he realizes what he's doing he drops it back in his lap. this time, he tries to really take his time finding something to say that won't make ronan hate him. after nearly a minute of thinking, adam slowly begins to speak. ]
I thought I might like you. But I haven't really... [ this part is hard to get out, reluctant as adam is to ever really talk about his parents, his father in particular. but he obviously hurt ronan, he can see that easily, and he wants to fix it. hopefully a real explanation will help. ] My dad wasn't ever really... a fan. Of that kind of thing. So I had never thought about it before, until you. And I knew -- or, I guess I was pretty sure that you liked me, so.
[ abruptly, adam realizes that none of this is helping and he groans, running his hand over his face. talking is hard, why can't they just keep kissing? ]
I didn't mean that like it sounded, I wasn't using you. I meant -- I do like you, I just wanted to be sure. I was like... 85% sure? But that was all, you know, drug- and exhaustion-fueled epiphanies and I wanted to know for sure. Now I'm 100% sure.
[ jesus christ, he needs to stop rambling. adam bites his lip, frowning deeply at the mattress instead of looking at ronan. ]
[ the first part of adam's speech definitely doesn't help. the mention of robert parrish has a sobering effect, as it always does. unhappily, ronan is reminded of declan and the look on his face when he saw ronan's leg draped over adam's lap in the backseat of the pig. the difference is that if declan ever tried to punch him for being gay, ronan would just punch back twice as hard. still, he gets it. even though adam is out of his parents' trailer and his dad has a restraining order, fathers have a way of casting long shadows that are difficult to escape.
but all ronan can hear after the "so" is: "so i decided to test my newfound sexuality on you, since i knew you wouldn't refuse." and that's a unique pain he's never before experienced.
he pushes himself into a sitting position, muttering, "fuck this." he's tempted to leave the bed and the apartment altogether. but adam keeps talking, and what he says next brings all the gears working furiously in ronan's brain to a screeching halt. the stormy look on his face turns to confusion and uncertainty, then a tentative sort of calm. the hopeful flame inside him grows. adam may be rambling, but out of the tumble of words ronan gleaned one very important thing: ]
...You like me?
[ he'd been almost afraid to say it, as if saying it out loud would scare it off. ]
[ adam is expecting ronan to get fed up with him and leave -- not so much because of ronan himself, but because he was being an idiot and phrasing everything wrong and he would deserve it if ronan did leave. when he curses and pushes himself up to sitting, adam closes his eyes tight, waiting for the creak of the mattress to signify that ronan is leaving. it never comes, though. instead there's quiet, long seconds of it, and adam opens his eyes to look at ronan. his expression is inscrutable, too calm to give anything away, but if ronan were actually angry he'd already be out the door, so maybe adam hasn't fucked this up entirely. if that weren't enough to put adam at ease (and simultaneously make his heart feel like it's going to beat out of his chest) ronan's question and the nakedly hopeful tone of voice he says it in would do it on their own.
it feels weird to say it while actually looking at ronan -- no, not weird, exactly. it makes adam feel vulnerable, in a way that is both incredibly uncomfortable and terrifying as a heart attack. but ronan suffered through his rambling and hasn't left yet, so adam can look him in the eye when he says: ]
Yeah. I do. I like you.
[ it's possible this could be seen as moving too fast. maybe adam should have taken a few days to think things over, give himself a chance to really feel his way through it all. if he had a therapist, she'd probably say he's pushing himself too far, too fast because he finally can, now that he doesn't have his father's expectations looming over him. but hell, when has adam parrish ever done anything just because he wanted to? he wants to tell ronan he likes him, and he wants to kiss him again, and he wants to stay in this bed with him for the rest of the day. maybe he can't have all the things he wants, but he'll settle for just one. ]
[ it still seems too good to be true. ronan watches adam's mouth frame the words, hears them in his voice that's tinged with the colors of a henrietta sunset, but he still doesn't dare to believe it. he makes good forgeries too; after all, he learned from the best. with the dream pills burning a hole in his pocket, ronan glances around the tiny room, from the bathroom to the front door to window over his shoulder, like he expects the real adam to reappear any second. they were touching when he woke up, so it's entirely possible he took this adam out of a dream by accident, right? and the real adam woke up hours ago, somehow without ronan noticing, and booked it to school to turn in the homework he almost killed himself over.
the thought sits like a weight in his stomach, and not for the first time he resents being the greywaren. anyone else wouldn't have to ask themselves if the boy who just confessed to liking them is real or something they dreamed up.
but ronan doesn't remember dreaming, and he always remembers, especially his greywaren dreams. he's always aware of the creating, even if he can't always control what happens after, whether it comes back with him or not. but his sleep had been blissfully blank, which probably had something to do with adam's fingers slotted between his and the smell of dust and motor oil and adam's shampoo surrounding him. for all the questions and uncertainties circling his brain as he fell asleep, he'd also felt inexplicably safe and content, because that's what adam means to him.
a little of the tension leaves his shoulders, and he relents. ]
You should've led with that, asshole, instead of making me think I wasted my first kiss.
[ ...he hadn't actually meant to say that last part out loud. heat rushes to his face, and he ducks his head like he can hide it. his heart is beating heavily in his chest, each pulsation seeming to echo: he likes me, he likes me, he likes me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
guilty
so it's a wonder he was able to sleep at all, let alone sleep through his phone going off with multiple texts from gansey. at the very least, adam untangling their hands and getting out of bed should've disturbed him, but either adam has a promising future as a spy or cat burglar, or ronan was just that far gone. at some point between adam leaving and returning to bed, ronan must have become subconsciously aware of his absence because he shifts in his sleep, his fingers curling around nothing. but it's not until adam takes his hand again that he really wakes.
before he even opens his eyes, he inhales, his chest and shoulders rising, and as he lets it out again, his fingers tighten around adam's. that seems to trigger something, because he goes from foggy to fully conscious faster than the bmw goes zero to sixty. the pieces of last night—that morning—slam into place, and he realizes that the moment he'd been dreading up until he fell asleep has arrived. all he did was blink.
but there's a few pieces he's not sure where to put, like adam sitting on the edge of the bed instead of where he fell asleep. that means he woke up before ronan, that he left and came back, and he's still holding ronan's hand? in all the scenarios ronan imagined, there wasn't one that allowed for this possibility.
he tries to swallow, but his heart is in his throat. ]
Parrish. [ his voice is rough with disuse, and his tongue feels clumsy, too big for his mouth. he'd say it's too early for this, but based on the position of the shadows that can't be true. when he looks at adam, all the questions he's too afraid to voice are in his eyes: what are you doing? what are we doing? he pushes himself onto his elbow and hangs his head. ] ...shit.
no subject
it's not that anything clicks into place, exactly -- he's still not sure what he feels, or how much, or anything like that. there's no magical moment where he realizes that he's in love with ronan and that realization fixes both of them and they get a happily ever after. adam does realize, though, that there's only one way to figure out all of this for sure. with that thought in mind, it makes perfect sense to lean forward, slowly, until his lips land on ronan's. it's a clumsy sort of kiss, conscious as he is of the fact that he hasn't brushed his teeth yet, or kissed anyone before, but it's not meant to be sexy or exciting. it's a question, more than anything, one that he's not sure ronan will have the answer to. ]
no subject
he holds adam's hand a little tighter and presses back against adam's lips. as far as first kisses go, it's a pretty nice one. but he always thought kissing adam would be nice, when he let himself think about it.
but, after a moment, his brain comes back online and doubt comes creeping up on him. his heart is beating so hard he almost can't hear himself think. it would be better if he couldn't hear himself think, because then he probably wouldn't be pulling back, wouldn't be frowning with a pained look in his eyes, as if anticipating the heartbreak he's about to experience. he leans away far enough to be able to look at adam without going cross-eyed. ]
You're not still high, are you?
[ because, aside from this being a dream, or worse, just adam being a dream, that's the next most plausible explanation in ronan's mind for what's happening. ]
no subject
No, I'm not high. It's been hours, I'm totally sober. I just wanted --
[ adam cuts himself off, frowning down at the mattress as he thinks through his next words. he doesn't want to come off as just using ronan as an experiment -- granted, he sort of was, but not in a mean way. he figured he knew the answer to the question already or why would he be asking it, he just... needed confirmation. but even with as little knowledge as he has of the way gay people work, he knows it's not really nice to tell someone "i needed to figure something out so i kissed you". no one likes being used like that.
eventually, he starts up again, though still avoiding ronan's eyes. ]
I wanted to see if what I thought I felt was actually what I felt.
[ he winces a little at how ridiculous that sounds, but doesn't clarify. maybe ronan will just get it and they can move on from this whole conversation. ]
no subject
but, fuck if that kiss didn't spark a tiny flame of hope inside him. he's hardly breathing as he waits for adam to find his words. he finishes the sentence, "i just wanted—", in his own head half a dozen different ways, not all of them good. that this is all just some kind of experiment for adam does occur to him, and even if it's not in a mean way, it'll hurt just as much. if that's the case, ronan will be pissed, but mostly he'll be crushed, which he'll disguise as more anger.
the answer he finally gets is a little too close to that scenario for ronan's comfort. he shifts, extricating his hand from adam's, because he doesn't think he'd be able to stand that point of contact while being let down. a chill sweeps across his palm once it's separated from adam's. ]
What did you think you felt? [ his voice is tense, tightly moderated to hide whatever emotions he might otherwise expose. ]
no subject
I thought I might like you. But I haven't really... [ this part is hard to get out, reluctant as adam is to ever really talk about his parents, his father in particular. but he obviously hurt ronan, he can see that easily, and he wants to fix it. hopefully a real explanation will help. ] My dad wasn't ever really... a fan. Of that kind of thing. So I had never thought about it before, until you. And I knew -- or, I guess I was pretty sure that you liked me, so.
[ abruptly, adam realizes that none of this is helping and he groans, running his hand over his face. talking is hard, why can't they just keep kissing? ]
I didn't mean that like it sounded, I wasn't using you. I meant -- I do like you, I just wanted to be sure. I was like... 85% sure? But that was all, you know, drug- and exhaustion-fueled epiphanies and I wanted to know for sure. Now I'm 100% sure.
[ jesus christ, he needs to stop rambling. adam bites his lip, frowning deeply at the mattress instead of looking at ronan. ]
no subject
but all ronan can hear after the "so" is: "so i decided to test my newfound sexuality on you, since i knew you wouldn't refuse." and that's a unique pain he's never before experienced.
he pushes himself into a sitting position, muttering, "fuck this." he's tempted to leave the bed and the apartment altogether. but adam keeps talking, and what he says next brings all the gears working furiously in ronan's brain to a screeching halt. the stormy look on his face turns to confusion and uncertainty, then a tentative sort of calm. the hopeful flame inside him grows. adam may be rambling, but out of the tumble of words ronan gleaned one very important thing: ]
...You like me?
[ he'd been almost afraid to say it, as if saying it out loud would scare it off. ]
no subject
it feels weird to say it while actually looking at ronan -- no, not weird, exactly. it makes adam feel vulnerable, in a way that is both incredibly uncomfortable and terrifying as a heart attack. but ronan suffered through his rambling and hasn't left yet, so adam can look him in the eye when he says: ]
Yeah. I do. I like you.
[ it's possible this could be seen as moving too fast. maybe adam should have taken a few days to think things over, give himself a chance to really feel his way through it all. if he had a therapist, she'd probably say he's pushing himself too far, too fast because he finally can, now that he doesn't have his father's expectations looming over him. but hell, when has adam parrish ever done anything just because he wanted to? he wants to tell ronan he likes him, and he wants to kiss him again, and he wants to stay in this bed with him for the rest of the day. maybe he can't have all the things he wants, but he'll settle for just one. ]
no subject
the thought sits like a weight in his stomach, and not for the first time he resents being the greywaren. anyone else wouldn't have to ask themselves if the boy who just confessed to liking them is real or something they dreamed up.
but ronan doesn't remember dreaming, and he always remembers, especially his greywaren dreams. he's always aware of the creating, even if he can't always control what happens after, whether it comes back with him or not. but his sleep had been blissfully blank, which probably had something to do with adam's fingers slotted between his and the smell of dust and motor oil and adam's shampoo surrounding him. for all the questions and uncertainties circling his brain as he fell asleep, he'd also felt inexplicably safe and content, because that's what adam means to him.
a little of the tension leaves his shoulders, and he relents. ]
You should've led with that, asshole, instead of making me think I wasted my first kiss.
[ ...he hadn't actually meant to say that last part out loud. heat rushes to his face, and he ducks his head like he can hide it. his heart is beating heavily in his chest, each pulsation seeming to echo: he likes me, he likes me, he likes me.
and i like him. ]