[ whatever. adam thinks too much as it is, so maybe he should just cut it out altogether.
at any rate, ronan says "cool" instead of goodbye before he hangs up. he gets ready and is out the door in ten minutes flat, folding himself into the bmw and heading to the church. he can't tell if the thrumming in his veins is the car or his own restless energy. he cranks up the music until he can't feel the too fast beating of his heart.
when he gets there, he rolls up to where, presumably, adam is waiting for him. ]
[ he never knows what to make of ronan and just stares at the phone for several long seconds like he wasn't just basically hung up on before having the chance to say bye. not like it matters, he'll be seeing ronan shortly anyway.
it doesn't take him long to get ready. what does he need to do? nothing. so he winds up sitting at his cramped little desk. then sitting on his bed. the finally he just gives up and goes outside and sits on the curb in front of the church. adam doesn't bring his phone because he knows he'd be religiously checking it for the time. and that's just too much, even for him.
doesn't matter anyway since ronan is there soon enough and adam pushes off the ground, dusts himself off and heads to the car. slipping inside, he glances over to ronan with a completely deadpan look on his face as the seatbelt clicks into place (safety first with this hotrod!!). ]
[ as adam gets into the car, ronan has no doubt anymore that the restless energy is under his skin. it's amplified in adam's presence. maybe it has something to do with their shared connection to cabeswater, but it probably has more to do with just adam and the smell of pencil lead and fresh dirt and motor oil and shampoo he brings with him, and beneath that the smell of mist and moss. those are the things that make ronan's pulse pick up, a steady buzz in the background of his thoughts. a constant awareness of their closeness.
there's no objection to the seatbelt, obviously, even though ronan's not about to go racing through the streets with adam in the passenger seat. (unlike noah, adam is still very much alive and ronan very much wants to keep him that way.) no sooner has he heard the click than he's jerking the gear shift and peeling away from the curb. ]
Seriously? You sound like Gansey. [ he meant it as a jibe, but it falls short. ] There's only room enough for one of him in this world.
[ on the other side of things, adam pretends not to notice anything. it's easier this way, or so he thinks. the longer he remains oblivious to everything, the longer he puts off having to face his own honesty on the matter. mostly because it just leaves him running in circles. why does ronan look at him that way when he's not anything special? why would ronan even care about someone like him? maybe he doesn't. maybe it's all not real. maybe adam's just imagining it because he wants it to be real.
wouldn't that be something.
he leans back against the seat and lets out a sigh. logically he knows how ronan meant it, but logic doesn't always show up when it needs to. images flash through adam's mind that he doesn't want to see right now; it makes his stomach twist uncomfortably and he folds in on himself slightly. his knee bumps against the door and he audibly sighs as he turns his attention to look out the window at the world just passing him by. ]
Yeah.
[ it's a soft agreement. ronan's right, there is only room for one of him and before long there will be none. and it'll be all adam's fault. then what?
why can't he just make a joke to change the subject or lighten the mood instead of just sit here like a lump? absently, he rubs a hand over his knee. ]
[ the idea that they could make something happen just by imagining it would've seemed absurd before — before gansey hovered his hand over a pool of silver fish and willed them to be red. maybe it wouldn't have seemed so absurd to ronan, who grew up with the extraordinary, the inexplicable; who's been able to take things from his dreams since he was three. but now it's something they all share, not just ronan's secret anymore.
however, he's pretty sure that whatever's going on between him and adam has less to do with ancient celtic magic and more to do with — hormones. or something. the normal, earthly laws of human attraction, even though sometimes when he looks at adam he seems anything but normal and earthly. he may have been born in the backwater with henrietta dirt under his nails, but he's so much more than that now. he always has been more than that, but it took the deal with cabeswater for them (including adam himself, with the exception of gansey, who probably always knew adam's worth) to see it.
so, that's part of the reason ronan looks at him that way.
and it's because he's always paying attention to adam now that he notices the shift and the sighing, audible since ronan turned the music down a little. ronan almost wants to ask what's eating him, but then adam asks that question and ronan shrugs. ]
I was thinking the Barns. [ he flicks his gaze in adam's direction, lingering a little too long on the hand rubbing his knee. his own hand twists the knob of the gearshift. ] Unless you had someplace in mind.
[ adam could ask him to just keep driving until sunset and through the night to morning, and he would, as long as he had adam with him. ]
[ it'd be funny, sort of, if adam knew it took a supernatural event to showcase his worth. his entire life he's worked hard at showing he's worthy of... something. anything. so far it hasn't worked out all that well for him; all it's earned is fights, bruises, the loss of hearing in one ear, and a crippling sense of unworthiness.
sometimes he thinks it's getting better. that maybe this connection to cabeswater is what he needed to feel better, more secure in his standing in the world. but then other times he sees the extraordinary moving around him, like he's watching from behind a hazy glass, and that he'll never catch up.
adam's yet to let himself think that it's okay if he doesn't catch up, but goes at his own speed.
he shifts slightly in the seat, head tipping to press against the window enough so he can see glimpses of the sky between the swiftly passing streetlamps. there's a shake of his head, but he realizes a moment after he does it that ronan likely isn't looking (or maybe he was, is), and can't hear a non-verbal response. ]
No. [ where else could they go? the later it gets, the less is open in this small town. the gas station, maybe. the diner. both clear hot spot destinations... but adam's tired of smelling cars and doesn't want to deal with the bright lights and jangling country muzak piped through the speakers. so, the barns it is. ] That's fine.
[ maybe they should keep driving. just keep going and never look back. he doesn't say that, though he does think it. and maybe that speaks louder than anything he's ever said. ]
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no subject
at any rate, ronan says "cool" instead of goodbye before he hangs up. he gets ready and is out the door in ten minutes flat, folding himself into the bmw and heading to the church. he can't tell if the thrumming in his veins is the car or his own restless energy. he cranks up the music until he can't feel the too fast beating of his heart.
when he gets there, he rolls up to where, presumably, adam is waiting for him. ]
no subject
it doesn't take him long to get ready. what does he need to do? nothing. so he winds up sitting at his cramped little desk. then sitting on his bed. the finally he just gives up and goes outside and sits on the curb in front of the church. adam doesn't bring his phone because he knows he'd be religiously checking it for the time. and that's just too much, even for him.
doesn't matter anyway since ronan is there soon enough and adam pushes off the ground, dusts himself off and heads to the car. slipping inside, he glances over to ronan with a completely deadpan look on his face as the seatbelt clicks into place (safety first with this hotrod!!). ]
Your phone etiquette could use some work.
no subject
there's no objection to the seatbelt, obviously, even though ronan's not about to go racing through the streets with adam in the passenger seat. (unlike noah, adam is still very much alive and ronan very much wants to keep him that way.) no sooner has he heard the click than he's jerking the gear shift and peeling away from the curb. ]
Seriously? You sound like Gansey. [ he meant it as a jibe, but it falls short. ] There's only room enough for one of him in this world.
no subject
wouldn't that be something.
he leans back against the seat and lets out a sigh. logically he knows how ronan meant it, but logic doesn't always show up when it needs to. images flash through adam's mind that he doesn't want to see right now; it makes his stomach twist uncomfortably and he folds in on himself slightly. his knee bumps against the door and he audibly sighs as he turns his attention to look out the window at the world just passing him by. ]
Yeah.
[ it's a soft agreement. ronan's right, there is only room for one of him and before long there will be none. and it'll be all adam's fault. then what?
why can't he just make a joke to change the subject or lighten the mood instead of just sit here like a lump? absently, he rubs a hand over his knee. ]
Where are we going?
no subject
however, he's pretty sure that whatever's going on between him and adam has less to do with ancient celtic magic and more to do with — hormones. or something. the normal, earthly laws of human attraction, even though sometimes when he looks at adam he seems anything but normal and earthly. he may have been born in the backwater with henrietta dirt under his nails, but he's so much more than that now. he always has been more than that, but it took the deal with cabeswater for them (including adam himself, with the exception of gansey, who probably always knew adam's worth) to see it.
so, that's part of the reason ronan looks at him that way.
and it's because he's always paying attention to adam now that he notices the shift and the sighing, audible since ronan turned the music down a little. ronan almost wants to ask what's eating him, but then adam asks that question and ronan shrugs. ]
I was thinking the Barns. [ he flicks his gaze in adam's direction, lingering a little too long on the hand rubbing his knee. his own hand twists the knob of the gearshift. ] Unless you had someplace in mind.
[ adam could ask him to just keep driving until sunset and through the night to morning, and he would, as long as he had adam with him. ]
no subject
sometimes he thinks it's getting better. that maybe this connection to cabeswater is what he needed to feel better, more secure in his standing in the world. but then other times he sees the extraordinary moving around him, like he's watching from behind a hazy glass, and that he'll never catch up.
adam's yet to let himself think that it's okay if he doesn't catch up, but goes at his own speed.
he shifts slightly in the seat, head tipping to press against the window enough so he can see glimpses of the sky between the swiftly passing streetlamps. there's a shake of his head, but he realizes a moment after he does it that ronan likely isn't looking (or maybe he was, is), and can't hear a non-verbal response. ]
No. [ where else could they go? the later it gets, the less is open in this small town. the gas station, maybe. the diner. both clear hot spot destinations... but adam's tired of smelling cars and doesn't want to deal with the bright lights and jangling country muzak piped through the speakers. so, the barns it is. ] That's fine.
[ maybe they should keep driving. just keep going and never look back. he doesn't say that, though he does think it. and maybe that speaks louder than anything he's ever said. ]